2014

I'm gonna write in this entry till you get bored so if you are inpatient bitch, don't read.

I still don't have a closure. I still really don't know what I want in my life walaupun aku selalu cakap habis diploma aku nak sambung degree in cardio and fly to Arab untuk kerja sana. But actually, I am still searching.

Dulu, the only way I express my anger is with writing. Sekarang I found a lot of distraction to do that and make me angry more sebab aku tak tau nak apply anger tu dekat mana. 2014 as I remember didn't taught me a lot except I got dumped (again) by my love one and pointer aku turun gila banyak.

I blame anyone? No but somehow org yg belajar main-main macam aku still can maintain their pointer. Lesson learned, rezeki. Ada yg pura-pura sedih konon insaf pointer turun.

I have been dealing with almost amount of bullshit and fake people every single day so if you think I didn't know what is inside your head, take a shot and see where's your bullet go. 

Too much hatred and negativity? I'm sorry, life has taught me in a hard way. But I still know where's my limit, where to take a shot and where to save a bullet.

Dulu dulu masa sekolah ingat tak kalau tak suka someone, mesti end up kena pandang badi. Tapi sekarang da lain. Orang tu sakai, entah pape macamane pun tetap kena tengok muka and terima nasib sendiri tiap hari. If you can't change how the world works, change the way you think.

I am bad and I have guts to admit it.

Will you?

Future me

Taip, padam. Taip, padam.
Tak tahu kenapa aku perlu jaga hati orang yg sakitkan aku.

Yes, I'm broken and I'm typing this not because I'm asking for your sympathy nor to blame you.

I'm doing this because I have nothing more to lose.

Dear future me,

If you're reading this it means your heart is no longer there. You might not believe that this is who you are, just take a glance at the mirror and remind yourself that you are broken enough in order to be strong enough.

Pain of broken heart

Tears of blood fall from my broken heart,
I never thought we would be apart.

When you held me you said "forever"
Now I know you meant "never"

Saying you love me with that look in your eye
And that was a cold hearted lie

Your tender touch, a soft kiss
Two things about you I will miss

As I sit here thinking about you
My face is wet with tears past due

I should've cried a long time ago
But I loved you so

I know they say love is blind
But I only had you on my mind

A hurt so deep it cuts like a knife
But wounds heal and I'll go on with my life

"Erika, Dec 2007"

Fair

My old little angel, you know you are always there.

Wherever you are,

Who are you with,

How happy your life is,

My heart will never ever change.

Walaupun kita jauh,
I mean sangat jauh, you are always in my mind.

Silly me. Waktu dia pegang tangan aku first time, I still hope it was you. After you broke me and I left you, it changed the whole me.

Paranoid. Insecure. Always find myself back but always keep my heart away.

Until one day, hati aku terbuka untuk dia.
But I wonder, why you still there?
I found that some people may not stay in our life but they're always in our heart.

I respect kau tak kacau hidup aku skrg and for return, I didn't bother yours too.

And sebab respect jugak la, aku tak kacau kau, aku jaga diri aku, aku jaga hati orang yg sayang aku.

Fair enough, right?

Bullied

I have been bullied since school. Definition of bully untuk aku not physical abusement, mental bully, cyber bully.

"Split personality" they said.


I should just ignore kan. Tapi tu lah, bila the one yg rapat dgn aku pun say like that. The one yg aku bole kata kekuatan aku, yg aku ingat kenal aku, pergi ke golongan yg sama sama tindas aku.

And surprisingly,
dia la kepala bapaknya.
Perli, mock aku dekat twitter dgn member lain.

So, I left you.
Being fair and square.

I thought Tuhan da lepaskan aku,
tapi tak.
He gave me more than that when I get to college life.

Tahu jela college. Entah budak dari pelusuk mana satu kelas.
Mentality, personality..
Damn la.

Luckily, I got this one girl yg don't give single damn about what people said. Sekarang da faham la kenapa my previous friendship selalu berpecah macam tu je..

I have my own perception about friendship.
If you can't understand mine, then its fine,
But if you can't shut your mouth, then don't blame me for being mean..

Bully kill souls..

Look at my mindset, 
Revenge.
And I'm equal to people yg bully aku.

So, I let them go 
and
laugh at my own flaws..

Die

And we were really young at that time,

I know you didn’t mean to love me but you did,

And I thought I wouldn’t get in this game but I did.

As we grown up,

Things changed,

You’ve to study abroad,

And I’m still at the same place

Where we build some memories that never fade away.

Its very devastated

When I knew you got so much time

To keep in touch with my friend

But not me, yours.

Stupid young girl am I

Accept you everytime you sad and cry

But I’m not there when you’re having fun.

Oh God please tell me why

Why I keep loving someone who gave me so much to cry

Why you don’t just let me die..

Bahagia

Banyak hal kita tak boleh kongsi dalam dunia,
Walau macamana kita percaya,
Simpan sikit untuk diri kita.

Aku tak nak luka yang kau rasa,
Terpalit dalam cerita kita berdua,
Biarlah kalau tiada lagi hala tujuannya,
Berpisah lah cara bahagia.

Sayang,
Sungguh kau buat aku tenang,
Setenangnya pejam mata kala bulan mengambang,
Selembutnya mimpi indah bertandang.

Kesat airmata mu,
Kau sedang bersama ku,
Bahagia yang ingin aku tuju,
Agar hatimu tak lagi membeku.

Andai sakit aku dapat kau sentuh,
Dan kau tarik keluar menyeluruh,
Nescaya tenang aku punya roh,
Tanpa bayangan si bangsat yang angkuh.

Suatu hari aku akan pergi,
Waktu mimpi sedang mencapai realiti,
Saat kau berpaling ke mari,
Mungkin aku tiada lagi di sisi.



Saat itu,
Cari lah bahagia mu sayang..