I have never been single

Catchy title but I didn't lied. I  always wonder why I  keep going back to what hurts me. Aku tahu it literally break my heart and I know how it will end but instead of putting a line on it, I try harder dgn harapan things will change.

I know. Pathetic right?

I just realised dari aku form 1 sampai skrg I have never been single. Like really single..single u know. There's  always someone or somebody that I attached to or they shown their interest towards me that I can mingle around.

Bila fikir balik aku rasa aku ada attachment problem. After any breakups, mesti dah ada someone yg tunggu so I never alone. Ada je  yg teman. Bila sampai satu tahap  aku dah give up dgn manusia, I dont try to get to know new ppl, thats why I keep on going back to what hurts me. Sebab kalau aku put a line on it, where should I put my heart and interest? Fuck my subsconscious mind! 

Macamana eh aku boleh hidup bertahun mcm ni? I've known to always figure things out and have backup plans so bila aku takde backup  plan, aku stay. Hiding behind the words "sayang"...

Marilah kita sama sama belajar on how not to get easily attached. Gua penat doh. Serious penat. Hati aku lembik dah. Kalau aku Ironman, i dont know how many countless time aku tukar battery.

Cukup lah sampai sini dulu kot. Start slow slow borak dlm blog like I used to.

Satu dalam berjuta

It has been so long since my last post. I always believe that people who write are the ones that are hurt. But seriously now, i dont feel hurt at all. Sorry..not really at all. 

Aku rasa aku dah takde material nak dicakapkan dalam blog ni but i still know deep down inside, i wanna write. Whatever shit happens sekalipun, writing is in my vein. I cannot resist.

Okay lets start with being blessed with my life now. I felt more content and alive. Kudos to her because she still the one that I love from day one. Day one means the first time we met at JSH. You can say that I am loyal, cool, charm, caring, loving, sweet talker or whatever the name is but the one that are really lucky is me.

Like for god sake, i am so lucky kot sebab palat, sial, celaka gua ni, ada jugak yang menunggu. One in a million lah you.









Gua terberhenti lama jugak ni sebab i try to find words to describe you but none of it can compare to the love and affection u shown me. Aku rasa sekarang dah masuk fasa i cannot say those sweet things anymore. I mean i still can play around and giggles but to really put words on how to show my appreciation, like damn its really hard.

Sebab? Sebab aku tahu kau nak assurance and setakat cakap2 ni, sudah basi. Dan, im too old for lovey things online bro. Cakap je tak layan, kita action satu kali baru dia percaya.

Okay lah lets wrap it up. 

Bila aku tengok dalam mata kau,
Aku nampak diri aku,
Reflection tu adalah aku ataupun cuma aku di mata kau?
Either way, looking at your eyes makes me calm.

They said when u meet someone and u have those tremors feeling,
Yeap thats not love my brother,
The one who makes u feel so calm,
Itu yg kau kena simpan.

Divorce 2.0, Weds 3.0

Susah ke nak faham seorang anak? Susah ke nak faham seorang ibu. Aku hidup dah 24 tahun tapi aku susah nak faham hati ibu. Aku ego? Mungkin. Tapi ego aku, masih aku hulur duit, masih aku jenguk, masih aku ucap tanda syg. Walaupun aku mungkin tak memehami hati seorang ibu seperti anak ibu yg lain, tapi aku punya hati. 

Aku bukan pandai nak express kan rasa tu semua. Dulu org salahkn aku bila aku buat keputusan keluar dari rumah. People blame me for not being understanding on what marriage is. Does marriage cheat? Does marriage means you on the phone with anther guy dalam toilet while your husband curi2 dengar dekat luar? Does marriage requires a guy to give wealth? If it so, rumah kereta pergi bercuti duit bulan2 siap bonus hujung tahun tu maknanya kekayaan? and again if it does, then why my mom still left us? still left my dad? i really like to remind people that marriage institution consist of a father, a mom and child.  Bukan husband and wife semata.

You have been divorces two times. Waktu cerai, okay aku masih cuba terima sampai lah tahap kau nak kahwin kali ketiga. Jantan mana yg betul2 jantan dtg rumah org malam2 buta terus masuk meminang? ke pondan tu? Wakil laki ckap sebab tak nak hold lelama so nak kahwin terus. Kau dengan tak kenalkn diri. We dont even know you. Muka kau pun aku tak ingat skrg ni. Okay fine kau buat keputusan drastik kan. You wanna get marry with my mom? Go ahead! I dont give a fuck, pergi lah mampos. Bila kau dah buat keputusan sendiri, aku pun dah set benchmark. Which is you just want my mom, not us. So stay the fuck away from us. 

The wedding will be held last than a month from now. Aku okay, kau nak jadi pengapit walaupun aku tak suka walaupun kau tahu aku kalau dah benci, nk tengok muka pun aku tak nk. Tapi sebab ibu, i said okay walaupun na je aku tanya mana kawan dia? Mana kawan yg pergi Batam sesame tinggalkn suami tak tahu pape dekt rumah? Mana kawan yg pergi SABAH SESAME TINGGALKAN SUAMI AND ANAK DEKAT RUMAH? Mana kawan yg dia pergi umrah sesame tinggalkan anak and suami dekat rumah? MANA?! Kahwin, cerai, whatever shit dalam family, aku selalu ada prinsip biarlah family je tahu. Kalau ada kenalan sekalipun, make sure org sekeliling kau tu bukan toxic punya org.

Blood isn't always family and family isn't always by blood. Aku tak faham macamana manusia yg tak punya hak untuk bersuara, paling lantang sekali bersuara. Who are you? Aku tak suka nak kurg ajar but if you cross limit, you are officially cancel. Kau tak pernah bercerai and kau tak pernah ada dalam family yg mak bapak nya bercerai. SO KAU DIAM LAH BABI! MEMANG AKU MARAH. Bila dah jadi mcm ni, baru tahu kau sibuk ajak jumpa anak2 makan sesame, baru pandai nak get along atas alasan sebab sebelum ni busy. Masa kau menggatal, tak busy pulak?!

Sorry ye, adik beradik lain mungkin cakap okay. Tapi aku tak. Dendam aku byk, sgt banyak. Not even the fact and excuses u are marrying my mom bcos she has exceed 50 years old plus and needs company would mend my heart to meet you. Dan jangan harap aku akan panggil kau ayah or what so ever. Mak tiri aku yg dah berpuluh tahun pun aku panggil makcik, what makes it different now? 

Banyak lagi yg aku nak cakap but I reserved it for now. Tunggu lah kalau ada yg trigger lagi, ada lah aku bersuara.

Aku Janji

Is it wrong to cry after being left?
Is it wrong to still fantasizing how sweet our relationship were?

Aku sumpah aku dah cuba tapi bukan mudah,
Tiap inci wajah kau tersusun indah,
Pengacau jiwa aku yg makin parah,
Buat hari-hari aku tak lekang gundah.

Sekian lama kita bersama, 
Kita putus kerna tersalah kata,
Kau tinggalkan aku pada hari bahgia,
Buat aku rasa cinta aku sia-sia.

Akhir-akhir waktu kau berpaling,
Tinggalkan aku pada hari keramat penting,
Bukan dendam yg aku tanam sering,
Cuma doa aku harap kau iring.

Apa kau lupa saat kita bahgia,
Saat cuma aku dan kau yg rasa,
Bukan persetankan manusia dusta,
Atau bayangan untuk masa depan pula.

Dua tangan aku kosong takde kau,
Jiwa aku parah bila kau hilang,
Hati aku rosak kau henyak-henyak,
Akal aku buntu kau tembak-tembak.

Siapa mereka untuk menjamin aku bahagia,
Kita tahu kita sama kita,
Tapi kau lebih pilih untuk bersama dia,
Yang dapat kau tunjuk bangga pada semua.

Mungkin dah sampai masanya,
Kau pergi buat selama,
Satu satu aku kutip semangat aku,
Bersama dgn dia yg baru.

Bagi aku masa, sikit. Sikit lagi. Biar beratapkan airmata. Biar bertemankan sepi. Aku janji, aku akan lupakan kau dan semua ni..

Aku janji, sayang.

2014

I'm gonna write in this entry till you get bored so if you are inpatient bitch, don't read.

I still don't have a closure. I still really don't know what I want in my life walaupun aku selalu cakap habis diploma aku nak sambung degree in cardio and fly to Arab untuk kerja sana. But actually, I am still searching.

Dulu, the only way I express my anger is with writing. Sekarang I found a lot of distraction to do that and make me angry more sebab aku tak tau nak apply anger tu dekat mana. 2014 as I remember didn't taught me a lot except I got dumped (again) by my love one and pointer aku turun gila banyak.

I blame anyone? No but somehow org yg belajar main-main macam aku still can maintain their pointer. Lesson learned, rezeki. Ada yg pura-pura sedih konon insaf pointer turun.

I have been dealing with almost amount of bullshit and fake people every single day so if you think I didn't know what is inside your head, take a shot and see where's your bullet go. 

Too much hatred and negativity? I'm sorry, life has taught me in a hard way. But I still know where's my limit, where to take a shot and where to save a bullet.

Dulu dulu masa sekolah ingat tak kalau tak suka someone, mesti end up kena pandang badi. Tapi sekarang da lain. Orang tu sakai, entah pape macamane pun tetap kena tengok muka and terima nasib sendiri tiap hari. If you can't change how the world works, change the way you think.

I am bad and I have guts to admit it.

Will you?

Future me

Taip, padam. Taip, padam.
Tak tahu kenapa aku perlu jaga hati orang yg sakitkan aku.

Yes, I'm broken and I'm typing this not because I'm asking for your sympathy nor to blame you.

I'm doing this because I have nothing more to lose.

Dear future me,

If you're reading this it means your heart is no longer there. You might not believe that this is who you are, just take a glance at the mirror and remind yourself that you are broken enough in order to be strong enough.

Pain of broken heart

Tears of blood fall from my broken heart,
I never thought we would be apart.

When you held me you said "forever"
Now I know you meant "never"

Saying you love me with that look in your eye
And that was a cold hearted lie

Your tender touch, a soft kiss
Two things about you I will miss

As I sit here thinking about you
My face is wet with tears past due

I should've cried a long time ago
But I loved you so

I know they say love is blind
But I only had you on my mind

A hurt so deep it cuts like a knife
But wounds heal and I'll go on with my life

"Erika, Dec 2007"